Thursday, September 30, 2010

For your health

I don't really have anything for today, so I'd just like to briefly explore a popular quote we've all heard, but maybe haven't understood.
"An Apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Most of us ignorant sheeple take this to mean an Apple a day will keep you healthy, right?  Wrong.  In fact, when eaten, Apples actually surround you with an invisible forcefield that prevents anyone with an MD from getting close enough to diagnose.  Literally, an Apple a day keeps the doctor(s) away - so don't plan on getting sick.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

New poll!!!!

It's a sad fact of life: everybody needs to get out once in a while.  Even if you're like me and don't have a job or friends, occasionally we must talc up, put on our underpants(optional) and venture out into Society at large - if only to pick up essential supplies such as kleenex and Catfood(even more so if you have a Cat).  So I have to ask; what is your favorite mode of transportation?

Everyone likes to travel in style, and it doesn't get much more stylish than on a Bus - like a limousine, but even more spacious.  Be wary though, as using this mode of transportation will rapidly deplete your bank account.  Which leads to the next option:
In these tough economic times, many of us have chosen to hire out the homeless to ferry us around the town by Piggyback.  You may be late for your meeting, but at least you won't have to pay outrageous gas prices.  Just make sure to tether it to a lamppost if you're going to be gone for more than 5 minutes as they like to wander, especially if low on hooch.
Swimming is always an option, and good exercise.
Or do you refuse to bow down to social pressure and simply Freestyle it like the refined gentleman pictured below?

Now vote!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What's your excuse? Poll results

So once again the polls are in and the results are divided up as follows:

Unsurprisingly Otter was the go to excuse, I don't know how many times I've called in late for work with that very response - and really, who is going to question it?  I'm sure most people can relate.  21% of you responded with the old 'no limbs' excuse which leads to the question of how you managed to vote in the first place.  Some kind of Stephen Hawking computer I would guess.  Stunningly, in second place is 'Dog on fire'.  You people really need to take better care of your pets, or at least keep them away from open flame.  Those things light up like gasoline.
I'll be back again tomorrow with a brand new poll.  Don't act like you aren't excited.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

We've all heard the stories, they all start the same: a woman showers before going to sleep at night and wakes up the next morning.  Perhaps a few days go by until she begins to notice an irritation of the scalp; she thinks nothing of it and goes through the same routine.  A week, maybe two goes by and one morning while preening herself in the mirror she notices something.  To her horror, she discovers an entire nest of Blueberries hidden amongst her hair and moustache.  She immediately goes to the doctor, but by then, of course, it is too late.  The Berrybush was rooted itself into her very skull, and no amount of surgery will be able to remove it.  From this point on, she will be a freak and an outcast:
It's no myth.  There are thousands of such victims in the United States, suffering in silence.  Because of the social stigma this affliction carries with it, few of these Fruit-heads interact with society, preferring a life of seclusion surrounded only by others of their leprous kind.  For this reason, word of mouth of this disease has been effectively stifled and with the news-media being in the pocket of Big Fruit very little information has gotten to the  public at large.
The danger, of course, came from the Fruit-scented shampoo our hapless matron used to clean her hair.  Do yourself a favor and make sure to check all products for Fruit extracts and seeds, or you may find yourself among the afflicted.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I was doing some research for another blog post, when I stumbled across these photos of what appears to be sentient Fruit.  These dopplegangers have taken on humanoid form, and as they continue to evolve they will no doubt be completely indistinguishable from people.  There is no telling what their end game may be, but I can speculate that it will be no less than total world domination.  Who knows how far they have already infiltrated our communities, families or governments?  Trust no one and spread the word.

Photos from

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Poll results are in!!

As you can see on the right, the polls are closed and the winner again by a large margin is Otter!  If I had known this frisky Feline was so popular I would have started a blog about Otters instead of Fruit.  There is some contention as to what animal family the Otter falls in to.  Is it a Fish or a Rodent?  Some kind of miniature aquatic Bear perhaps?  The truth is nobody knows for sure, but scientists all agree on a few keys facts:
Otters lay eggs - Otter nests, or 'damns', are constructed by the mighty redwood trees which they fell themselves by gnawing all the way through the trunk with their super-hardened teeth.  They build these nests high in the clouds in the form of massive wooden castles.  The trees also consist of the Otters main source of nutrition, via their sap which they sop up with their long-prehensile tongues.
Otters can swim, and rarely, fly.  They do this only during mating season in order to construct their wooden fortresses as I stated earlier.
Otters have no natural predators other than the sky-Buffalo.  Sometimes these two species wage war in the skies, this is where thunder comes from.
Otters make good pets.  They are clean, and need little exercise.  They make terrific guard animals as they emit a ferocious growl akin to a Lion when they sense strangers.  Just make sure to have it spayed, or it may fly away during mating season.  And keep it entertained.  It doesn't take much, usually a few squeaky toys and a PSP or other portable gaming device will suffice.
I hope you enjoyed this informative article and maybe even learned a few things about Otters.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

One night, what started out as a enjoyable romp at the zoo, ended in tragedy when young Bruce Wayne's parents were both murdered in cold blood by a Banana wielding lowlife in a mugging gone wrong.  Now 15 years later, he has taken on the symbol his enemies fear in order to combat Fruit, and also crime, wherever he may find it.  He is darkness.  He is the night.  He is FRUITBATMAN.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Couldn't get this one quite finished in time for you guys, so here's a sneak peak at my new, totally original and not copied in any way character, Fruitbatman.  Let me know if you can think of any improvements, and specifically ideas for better incorporating the fruit symbology(spellcheck is telling me this isn't a real word, but then again, it flags 'spellcheck' as well, so what does it know) into his costume.  I'll have this finished tomorrow along with his origin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Banana Claws desktop wallpaper

Since you guys all loved this so much, I decided to turn my Banana Claw original character into a desktop background.  Enjoy!  Hopefully i'll have the energy for some more original content tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Banana Claws

Originally a government experiment of the Weapon B program, Banana Claws' entire bone structure was coated in unbreakable Banana and he was given mighty Banana claws which would peel out of his skin whenever he willed it and they also cut through anything.  He escaped, and now fights on the side of justice, using the government's greatest weapon against them.
Original character, do not steal.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Victims of Fruit speak out

"I was a rich business executive, I had all the money, fame, sucess and women I could ever want.  Then I tried Fruit, and look at me now."

"One Haloween I ate a Pumkin seed, and the next morning I was pregnant.  Now I'm fifteen, and I'm stuck raising a Pumpkin that I didn't want.  I had to drop out of school and I'm working two minimum wage jobs just to get by.  Fruit has ruined my life."

"I ate a Fruit salad thinking it was a regular salad.  Now I'm completely paralyzed, the hospital bills have bankrupted my family.  I wish I could die."

"I ate a Grape I found in the garbage.  Now I'm dead."

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Poll

It's voting time again, and this round you'll be voting for your favorite blogger.
Will it be me - Shane West?  The obvious choice, I've saved countless lives through my online journalism and still have the time to make you beautiful backgrounds of Otters.
What about Ted Mason?  He's not quite as handsome, or smart, but he has been making waves as an up and coming star in the dancing-by-yourself-in-the-basement championships and his thought-provoking album reviews are beloved by all and have rapidly become the standard by which people judge music.
Or will it be the reigning champion, the Otter?  He doesn't write a blog, but maybe his dexterity at opening clams will be the deciding factor?

Cast your votes!

Friday, September 10, 2010

No new news today about Fruit, so I'm just going to tell you about a time my good friend Ted Mason, over at  Teds Reviews tried Fruit.  Now he probably doesn't want me to relate this story to you all, as it's rather embarrassing, but I'm sure that in the end he'll see the value in his story being shared so that others might learn from his mistakes.
It was a friday evening, and as usual me and Ted were naked in the basement rocking out to some Insane Clown Posse when Ted unceremoniously ejected the cassette and turned the lights on.  It took me a while to adjust to the light and the silence so I began hollering and stumbling blindly around the room.  Several minutes later, sweaty and exhausted, we both lay on the bed.
"Dude,"  I uttered in between ragged breaths "what was that about?  We were only halfway through Juggalo Homies feat. Twiztid, we have to get this choreography down or how are we ever going to show our parents?!"
"I dunno man," He replied "I'm just not feeling this ICP stuff anymore."  I stared in shock, my mouth agape.  Several more minutes passed.  "Yeah," he continued "I've actually been listening to a lot of the Tragically Hips lately, really good, really trippy."
I knew something was wrong, Ted didn't like the Tragically Hips, in fact, we'd often joked about how terrible they were, referring to them as the Tragically UNhips.  We'd shared many a laugh over that joke before, but now I was so distressed, the memory didn't even bring me a phantom of a smile.  I slapped him in the face with both my hands.
"No!"  I shouted "This is wrong!  This is some cruel joke you're playing on me!  You love ICP!  The Tragically Hips suck!!"  I started bawling.
"I used to think that,"  He elaborated "but that was until I tried these."  He withdrew a handful of Orange segments from his pocket, intermingled with the waste of the receptacle they had one time been contained within.  I stopped crying.  The shock was too much - I threw up.
"You have to stop this while you still can Ted!" I pleaded "Don't go down this road, you have your whole life ahead of you."  Now Ted was crying.
"Ok.  I will!"  He declared "I don't know what came over me.  Let's flush this garbage down the toilet and finish up that dance."
"Sounds good to me pal!"

And we haven't stopped dancing since...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Poll results are in

And the winner is...
Thanks to everyone who participated, a new one will be up soon and the winner of each poll will move on to the next round.  In the meantime, enjoy this free desktop background.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I know you're all excited about the poll, so here's a picture of an otter in her otter nest to tide you over.  There's still a few hours left so vote now if you haven't already.
An otter mother gently tends to her eggs.

Monday, September 6, 2010

At this point, I hope that all of you are aware of the dangers of Fruit; but what, you may ask, about Fruit flavored candy?  It's not actually Fruit, so does it carry the same inherent risks?  Or could it possibly be used as a safe Fruit substitute for those going through withdrawal?

I must admit that until recently I was in the dark about this as you probably are.  But this week I performed a little experiment for the benefit of my faithful readers.  I obviously survived the process, though with some terrifying and unexpected results.  Do not try this at home.

I made sure that I had no commitments for the rest of my day, and asked one of my good friends to act as a sitter.  I handed him a sharpened table leg with instructions to drive it through my heart if things got out of hand.  With everything in place I hesitantly withdrew a pack of 'Lifesavers' that I had purchased earlier in the day from an unscrupulous vending machine.  I took a deep breath and popped an orange one into my mouth - I think it was supposed to be Cantaloupe.

I waited maybe twenty minutes with no apparent effect other than dry mouth an upset stomach - though that may have been nerves.  Just when I was ready to deem the candy 'safe' I began to feel it.  It was subtle at first, everything in my vision had taken on a slight citrus hue and when my roommate asked me if I was ok, his voice sounded distant, as if he was speaking to me from the other end of an Apple orchard.

I began seeing hallucinations, dancing Papaya taunted me with hellfire pitchforks - and even the ground beneath my feet opened up into an endless chasm into which I was falling for what seemed both like eternity yet at the same time merely a fleeting moment.  I started to make out Prune like faces - images in the darkness.  Events of my past played out before me, but twisted - and other things, perhaps a possible future?  An overpowering voice began to overtake my every sense, and I wondered how I hadn't heard it before now; while at the same time knowing that I had heard that voice my entire life.  It said to me, with the roar of rotting PasionFruit - "I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK"

I came to soon after that.  My friend said I had only been out for a few minutes, though it had seemed endless at the time.  I still don't know what it means, but I still hear that voice every time it's silent.  When I shut my eyes.  In the moments in between moments.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Who is going to win??
You decide!!!
Yeah... I couldn't think of anything original to post today.  More tomorrow, I promise.  In the meantime, vote in the poll!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Fruitbatman here, reminding everyone to take a second to show your support and give my poll a click if you haven't already today.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Fruit Bat

One of the true marvels of animal kingdom is the mighty Fruit Bat. Long ago, scientists surmise, the ancestor to the Fruit Bat was bitten by a radioactive Pineapple. This would normally mean instant death for most, but by a fluke of mother nature this Bat was given extraordinary powers - the porportionate strength, speed and agility of a Watermelon, flight, and a precognative Fruit-sense. Most important of all, however, from that day on, that bat and all it's descendants were immune to the native toxins of all Fruit. It remains the only known predator to all species of Fruit.

Today these Bats are used as household pets, as a natural deterrant to any Fruit that might wander in to your home. Although they can be dangerous, they only eat Fruit, are are therfore harmless to humans.  Just be sure to avoid Fruit scented perfume and shampoos.

Obtaining a Fruit bat of your own is no easy task however, they go for thousands of dollars on the black market and the U.S. has a strong policy with heavy repercussions for anybody caught smuggling their eggs past the border. If you are willing to pay the price or take the risk yourself however, it is well worth it.

The majestic Fruit Bat swoops down to catch his prey.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

There is a very scary new fad emerging among our children that has found it's way into our schools, and even maybe your own home. A new Fruit, disguised as harmless candy is quickly becoming an epidemic - it's called Raisins.

And the truly terrifying thing about this? You can get them right at your local grocery store. 

Most parents these days are educated enough with the War on Fruit to teach their chilidren to recognize it and 'just say no', but pushers have come up with a new method of disguising it and I've uncovered their process.

The dealer, and a couple of his friends will walk into a supermarket and head straight to the Fruit section(why this even exists is beyond me, and proof in itself of a conspiracy) and load up their cart with Grapes. After this, they'll head home and soak them in the bathtub for 48 hours. You know when you've been in the water too long, and your toes and fingers get all wrinkly? It's the same process. The finished product is a small, sweet, and highly toxic drug and is pictured below.
Now all they have to do it peddle it - on the playgrounds, the schoolyard or even right on school property. Because of the size and longevity that the process endows on the Grapes, it can be hidden virtually anywhere for any length of time. Your kids might be taking them in class, or even right under your nose without anyone being aware.

This is bad enough as it is, but I have also been told of a particular brand called 'Glossettes' in which they completely cover the Raisins in a chocolate-like substance to further camouflage the Fruit. Children take this, thinking it is mearly a candy treat from a friend and minutes later must be rushed to the hospital.

Take the time to talk to your kids about Raisins and other Fruit, and ask your local school board or municipality representive what they are doing to stop this despicable practise.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Today I'm going to make an informative post for the new subscribers all about Tomatoes.
Most people think just because it grows in your garden, a Tomato is a vegetable and therefore safe to eat.  Well, you'd be wrong.  Dead wrong.  A Tomato is, in fact, just an Apple by another name.

Just like the Pumpkin, this sneaky Fruit masquerades as a vegetable and you'll find it in everything from ketchup sauce to Tomato pie.  It comes in many colors, but when ripe(and it's highest toxicity levels) it is the shade of blood - a natural warning sign that is oft ignored.

If you accidentally ingest ANY variety of Tomato, immediately consult an exorcist.

(Pictured) Don't be fooled, they're one in the same.
I can't even play with my legos without being bombarded by Fruit propaganda.